My own worst enemy!

My whole entire life I have had issues with my body and the way I looked. I didn't like my ankles, my butt, my chest, etc. the list literally goes on. I was pretty much skinny my whole entire childhood and going into high school. I was only 130 and wore a size 5 Jean, but I always felt fat or not pretty enough. It got worse my junior year of high school when they found precancerous cells on my cervix and had to remove them, from the gas, I gained 10 pounds and the depo shot didn't help. So I went from 130 to 160 and went from a size 5 to a size 11, it was horrible. Everyone thought I was pregnant and spread the worse remors about me. Luckily my senior year I lost most of the weight and was back to my previous size and was starting to be happy about myself. I still didn't like certain parts of myself, but I could live with them. I got married and two months after being married I found out I was pregnant. I decided that I would just eat anything and everything I wanted and I got pretty big, but after having him I lost a lot of the weight. When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter when Finn was four months old, I did the same thing. I ate whatever I wanted and I didn't care. I gained so much weight once again. I got up to 195. After I had her I didn't really eat healthy or workout, I just did whatever. It took me along time to lose any of the weight. It took me two and a half years to get pregnant with henry and when I did, I tried to eat a little healthier and I craved salads, but I still ate allot of junk. I unfortunately had to have a csection with him and I was in so much pain after having him, I didn't really care how I looked or what I ate. I lost some weight after having him, but not enough to where I would be happy. When I got pregnant with my fourth and last baby, I decided to tie my tubes and to not eat so unhealthy and I was going to kick it into high gear once I had her and had the all clear to start working out. I had a csection with her, so I had to wait 6 weeks, but I ended up waiting until she was about two month old before I started to workout. I didn't change my eating habits until after New Years and I really started to workout, walk on the treadmill, etc, but after a week I kinda gave up. I ended up loosing 20 pounds so I went from 195 to 175, but to me it's not enough. I want to be back to a size five and have my husband proud of me and look at me like he did when we were just starting out. He still loves me and still wants to do things with me, but if I can't love myself then how can someone else.